Things overheard from a dating "guru"...

Compared to the magoo we were listening to,
this guy looks as charming as George Clooney. 

The other day, my sister (author Laurie London) and I were in a Seattle coffee shop to write. We’d just gotten settled in when a man nabbed the big table behind us—apparently, he was some sort of dating guru and his class would be meeting there shortly. He was a total magoo—well dressed and well spoken, but somewhat smarmy. Used-car-salesman kind of smarmy.

Laurie and I both had earphones on, but one of my earbuds wasn’t working, so I was hearing snippets from the dating class. I started writing down what I heard and sharing them with Laurie, then she started listening, too. Pretty soon, we weren’t writing but listening and “learning” LOL. Poor Laurie was facing the group, and she was trying really hard not to laugh at times. Luckily, I was turned away, because some of the comments were so cringe-worthy, I had to cover my face.

 

Anyway, I thought you guys might get a kick out of what we overheard. The italic comments are my thoughts.

Women will dance more sexually and provocatively on the dance floor when in the fertile time of their menstrual cycle. Ladies, do any of you have any questions about your menstrual cycle? Yes, Dating Dude, I’d rather ask you than my doctor.

 

Feeling relaxed and secure around your date promotes a positive sexual experience.

Women want to feel like girls. Men want to feel like men.  Did we warp back to the 1950s?

If the guy's a little fake, it's okay to be a little fake, too. And if the guy’s a little fake, you want to keep hanging out with him...why?

If you want a guy, stand right next to him and make eye contact with him. Bump against him. Many times if that’s what it takes to get his attention. Then he demonstrated. If some strange man did that to me, I’d have kicked him in the balls. Or called 911.

Think of the guy you're attracted to as a gorilla. And you want to be his mate. He will sense that. Wait. Aren't gorillas known for their tiny penises?

I've been hard too many times. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth...

I practice on people I have absolutely no attraction to. Oh, that’s nice. You’re telling this to a group of shy, introverted people who are already hesitant to put themselves “out there”? Now, they’ll probably remember these words the next time someone shows interest in them. Way to go, Dating Dude.

I want girls who can make me relax. And girls want a guy who’s not a complete douche bag.

If a guy looks like he’s done it a million times, he probably has. You can really tell that a guy has done it a lot just by looking at him? Gosh. I had no idea.

If a guy asks you for your number, he doesn't necessarily want it. Again, way to make these shy people even more hesitant.

If you want to know if a guy or girl is approachable, you need to study their eyebrows. Okay, let’s look at each other’s eyebrows now. No, I’d rather not, but thanks for asking.